Final Fantasy XIV: Heavensward

Apr 01

A Message from President Qwark

Copernicus Qwark's Avatar Posted by on Apr 01, 2011 // Galactic President

Greetings Citizens!

As I sit here in my presidential compound, sipping a grubsnucker daiquiri and watching reruns of Unicop (now available for purchase on my holo-net site), I can’t help but reminisce about my rise to Galactic President of the Polaris Galaxy. Sure, some might say I was a bit callous in my ascension, but homicidal planet thieves aside, I think the whole thing went off without a hitch. The galaxy is safe, unemployment is at an all-time low, and my approval rating has never been… well, the galaxy is safe.

This era of awesomeness does come with some bad news, I’m afraid. It was brought to my attention that Insomniac Games decided to name my upcoming adventure Ratchet & Clank: All 4 One. When my agent finally returned my call and informed me that I had once again been excluded from the title, I was enraged. Not for myself, mind you – after all, what am I if not humble? No, my fellow citizen, I was enraged for you. How many years have you waited with bated breath for Captain Qwark to get top billing? How many times have you thrown your arms into the sky and called out “When is it going to be Qwark’s time?!”

Enraged by this injustice, I took my plight directly to planet Earth. A hotshot Sony producer named Greg Phillips informed me (between sips of an energy drink I’m fairly certain would be classified as toxic in my galaxy) that he personally named the latest game after his favorite R&B group. Victory, it seemed, was beyond my vice-like grasp.

Desperate, I took my fight to Ted Price himself. The Earthians had clearly established this man as some kind of king, or shaman warrior. He shrewdly offered me a chance to change the title of the game – but only if I vanquished him in a cage match using crude weaponry carved from tools found in the Insomniac broom closet. After three rounds and a few surgical strikes using my broom sword, I vanquished my opponent. Pinned under the might of my biceps, Shaman Price agreed to let me change the name to a title befitting of a revered galactic champion like myself. So today, before all of you, I reveal the new name of our upcoming adventure:

Copernicus Qwark's Awesomely Epic 3D Adventure Through Time & Space for PS3

I think we can all agree this title truly encapsulates the spirit of all that is great about this wonderful franchise. It obviously had a strong impact on the Sony marketing team, as my phone hasn’t stopped ringing since I scrawled it on a cocktail napkin after three whole minutes of brainstorming. If I ever return one of those calls, I’ll be sure to wish Kevin Butler a hearty “You’re welcome.”

So enjoy Copernicus Qwark’s Awesomely Epic 3D Adventure through Time and Space. Revel in the splendor of a third D, courtesy of your favorite superhero. For this will be the crown jewel in my long and illustrious career. Finally, my friends, it’s Qwark’s time!

Copernicus L. Qwark

//Add Your Own


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+ nino1911 on April 1st, 2011 at 6:05 am said:

day one purchase


+ EpikMcWin on April 1st, 2011 at 6:07 am said:

OMG!!! I will DEF. buy it now!!!

*Cough* nice one *Cough*


+ Butters360 on April 1st, 2011 at 6:08 am said:

i’d buy that!


+ Dark_Fire_101 on April 1st, 2011 at 6:10 am said:

About time Qwark gets what he deserves. Day after day, time after time I’ve been forced to lower my head in shame after seeing him not get the attention and recognition he ultimately deserves. It’s a disgrace to the entire universe, and I’m sure this is just the start of a new era in Qwark recognition.


+ glody on April 1st, 2011 at 6:11 am said:

I get it I get it… April Fools. *twirls finger*


+ RadRed on April 1st, 2011 at 6:14 am said:

Simply amazing.


+ letherclad on April 1st, 2011 at 6:15 am said:

Im looking forward to this game, great post!


+ Ratchetlombax on April 1st, 2011 at 6:16 am said:

Copernicus Qwark’s Awesomely Epic 3D Adventure through Time and Space is a day-one purchase for me too!
Hoping there will be a Collector’s Edition with a 1:1 reproduction of Qwark’s famous blaster!


+ hampus981 on April 1st, 2011 at 6:17 am said:



+ tonydamiani on April 1st, 2011 at 6:24 am said:

LOL Happy April Fools Day! :)


+ Blade133 on April 1st, 2011 at 6:26 am said:

FINALLY! A game that has crotchetizer support! Where can I pre-order this thing?


+ JoKeR_CoLd96 on April 1st, 2011 at 6:26 am said:

HAHAH! id definitely buy this! but it was for april fools day lol and i just noticed on the top right corner that 3 and a1/2 players can play LOL


+ TheAlbraskan on April 1st, 2011 at 6:27 am said:

This is now my favorite PSB post here. Also keep up the art Qwark, I better see an art gallery somewhere in this game. :)


+ MegamanXGold on April 1st, 2011 at 6:37 am said:

Honestly, I’m not that amused by this “April Fool’s.” In fact, I think that actually IS a better name than “All 4 One.” And while I think the solution is to come up with a better serious name, they SHOULD make a game for this character, release it as a $29.97 game, and ACTUALLY call it by that pretty little silly title right there. I could see it outselling All 4 One purely on the intentionally immature marketing.

But then again, I also think Kevin Butler deserves his own PS3 game. XD


+ cossackboy on April 1st, 2011 at 6:46 am said:

Please oh please let this be an additional available cover!


+ Zezzler on April 1st, 2011 at 6:49 am said:

For the past years that i have been playing ratchet and clank games, i just have been saying to myself, ‘I wish there was a game solely based around Qwark’. This is exactly what i have been waiting for! All of the other Ratchet and Clank games are SOOO BORING! with Qwark, i am sure that the action will be ten trillion times better, and feature better character development, with a serious plot-line based around how bolts are destroying the economy, and the environment.

Thank you Insomniac, and most importantly, Captain Qwark!


+ Nidarom319 on April 1st, 2011 at 6:50 am said:

I would actually buy this game, too bad it isn’t real :(


+ Mobius2525 on April 1st, 2011 at 6:52 am said:

lol will buy this


+ palitococo on April 1st, 2011 at 6:53 am said:

I just have one question. Its smell-o-vision what i imagine (smell effects)?, because if it is i need to purchase a gas mask for certain areas of the game. And only 3 1/2 players?


+ Xideo on April 1st, 2011 at 6:59 am said:

Quark man, you don’t need those Ratchet and Clank losers stinking up your game! They 6 or 7 while all you had was some minigames in Up Your Arsenal :(. Time to go solo bro and save the world and galaxy from galactic menace #456712!


+ NamesIrish13 on April 1st, 2011 at 7:11 am said:


Anything quark is for me! especially in 6D,3D, whatever D I am in that D!!!

*wink wink


+ TomHoang on April 1st, 2011 at 7:13 am said:

I love the 3 1/2 players mark in the upper right corner.


+ Carl-G on April 1st, 2011 at 7:18 am said:

When i do buy the ‘real’ game i will print that cover out & put it in the blu-ray game box ;-D


+ Mosh_Pit on April 1st, 2011 at 7:19 am said:

Obvious troll is obvious.


+ butcherknife on April 1st, 2011 at 7:23 am said:

I know this is an April Fools Day joke, but I would probably buy a game with Quark as the lead. Sounds like fun.


+ The_FPS on April 1st, 2011 at 7:41 am said:

No Move Support?


+ hush404 on April 1st, 2011 at 7:48 am said:

****ers! I was pumped when I saw the box and then remembered… it’s April 1st… :(


+ ynnos9779 on April 1st, 2011 at 7:50 am said:

i will offer all the power bestowing my awesome book i have yet to read calld wallet to obtain this game based on a thrue story


+ Link01 on April 1st, 2011 at 7:57 am said:

good job.. if only you’d stick to it lol


+ Christian399 on April 1st, 2011 at 8:02 am said:

Look cute. Will probably buy this. A digital version would be nice, wish Sony would push for that more (see: DCUO and ME: 2).

Still waiting on WKC 2 info… sigh…


+ MoneyMaker110 on April 1st, 2011 at 8:03 am said:

where am i going to find half a player? now back to listening to all 4 one.


+ RockinKev on April 1st, 2011 at 8:11 am said:

I will not fall for your tricks Copernicus Quark!!!!!!


+ Autoxfool on April 1st, 2011 at 8:29 am said:

Sweet! I was hoping a game came out soon so I can finally utilize my smell-o-vision!!! AWESOMESAUCE!



+ JJackazz on April 1st, 2011 at 8:33 am said:

I pre-ordered this at 8:00 am and picked it up at 11:00. It is CopernEPICusly Qwarktastic and I can’t stop playing it! Oh yeah almost forgot, April Fools right back at ya PSBlog.


+ xaos on April 1st, 2011 at 8:38 am said:

Finally! I’ve been really disappointed by the lack of support for the Crotchetizer peripheral. Glad to see you guys finally got your heads out of your… crotches?


+ ElektroDragon on April 1st, 2011 at 8:49 am said:

This is a big improvement over All 4 One.


+ Zeer0id on April 1st, 2011 at 9:08 am said:

Qwark FTW! It’s finally happening, man! The dream!


+ FORMIK on April 1st, 2011 at 9:11 am said:

Smell-o-vision enhanced?! Lead the charge, Qwark, so Food Network can follow.


+ Sindred on April 1st, 2011 at 9:18 am said:

Ok so I know it’s a joke, but if this was the box art and name, I would display this in front of all of my games… like forever. Consider it.


+ TruEve on April 1st, 2011 at 9:32 am said:

Lol, 4 1/2 players.


+ TruEve on April 1st, 2011 at 9:33 am said:

Oops, I meant 3 1/2 ! =P


+ Despair-Amit on April 1st, 2011 at 9:38 am said:

I would buy this game :)


+ Stellazira on April 1st, 2011 at 9:41 am said:



+ ForeverVincent on April 1st, 2011 at 9:42 am said:

ROFLMAOL!!! 3 and 1/2 players! This got me laughing so hard I cried -siiiiigh- I would definitely buy this game!


+ digitalman123 on April 1st, 2011 at 9:57 am said:

Online? Digital release? How’s about a Kevin Butler commercial?
Nice April Fool’s Day joke guys!


+ digitalman123 on April 1st, 2011 at 9:59 am said:

Definitely gonna pre-order via Grummelnet!
Glad I voted for him…


+ last1out on April 1st, 2011 at 10:00 am said:

I know that it a april fools joke. But sony really needs to look into this. alot of people hav been wanting to play a qwark game. as long as it over the top & full of stupid gags.


+ Dragun619 on April 1st, 2011 at 10:03 am said:

lol, If your listening Insomniac, That Qwark cover would be a nice Flip side/ inside cover in the Retail copies.


+ rasengan360 on April 1st, 2011 at 10:12 am said:

Limited edition cover please!!!!


+ TheGuardianFID on April 1st, 2011 at 10:22 am said:

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you suck Quark you suck!!! 8P 8)

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